The Almighty Fucktards

The Almighty Fucktards[1] Included In This Issue:

Kim Brewer continues to inhabit many of Hollywood's divier bars searching for the perfect man. He must please her emotionally, physically and mentally, but - most importantly - not judge her when he finds out about her twelve simultaneous STDs.

Honestly, Chester Copperpot is a pseudonym. That does not alleviate the author from the fact that she does, in fact, have the enormous gaping vagina everyone thinks she does.

Cyrus Helf is not ashamed to admit that he’s never read an entire book in his life, usually getting sleepy after the copyright page. But that's to be expected; he's Canadian.

Harry Karp has lost his watch inside three prostitutes, all of them named Cheyenne.

Terese lives in Rancho Cucamonga simply because no one can pronounce or spell it. The irony is that most feel the same in regards to her last name.

While not a virgin by far, if you happen to have sex with Andrea Martinez you might be shocked by her hermetically-sealed genitals. This is due to her hymen being replaced every three months. The surgery helps her bed many Muslim men.

Scott Owens came to our attention when he showed up for a job interview at Beth, Bad & Beyond covered in his own feces. He was hauled away by the police and shit in their squad car. The upside is that now you can literally smell the cops coming. The downside is Scott's colon has been surgically removed, forcing him to make shit in his mouth.

Rick Paulas’ penis was found lying in a ditch behind Starbucks by a barista, who then alerted the authorities. While waiting, the barista tried it out and was very disappointed. Seeing no use for it, he dumped it into someone’s mocha. It was never retrieved, nor has it been missed.

Although she doesn't look like much of a Trekkie, Tara Rubano has the entire DVD collection of the various Star Trek television series. It cost her over $700. Whenever those television commercials come on urging her to help the children in Africa, telling her that only a penny a day is enough to save fifteen kids from malaria, she smiles and pops in one of the aforementioned DVDs. They are commercial-free.

One time, Brian Russell turned down an Angelina Jolie-Natalie Portman-Parker Posey foursome simply because he's more into blondes. Oh, and because he’s a flaming homosexual.

Justin Shay used to be a roadie for Right Said Fred. He was in charge of picking up the remnants of RSF's shirt from the stage, because he was far too sexy for them. Justin could have made countless hundreds selling the scraps on Ebay, if the Internet existed back then. Instead, he used them to clean sperm off his chest; usually, his own.

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[1]

Not an official list of the world’s Fucktards. For a more complete list, please consult the member lists of the Christian Coalition of America, the Department of Motor Vehicles, and the Republican National Committee.

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