Table of Contents

The Exciting Contents of What
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Copyright Page

Rants & Ruminations [1]
By The Editors

How to Make Your Own Miscarriage
(Or, What I Did On My Summer Vacation)
By Helga

Elements of Every Party
(Or, The View From The Loneliest Corner)
By Scott Owens

My Found Porn Stash
(Or, Why I Never Got Laid In High School)
By Rick Paulas

Marvin the Masturbating Monkey
(Or, Math For Impractical Purposes)
By Harry Karp

How to Bang a Rock Star’s Wife
(Or, The Reason Behind Penis Boil #6)
By Cyrus Helf

Welcome to Hollywood
(Or, Some Homicides Are Justifiable)
By Tara Rubano

Cabrios and Straight Men Don’t Mix
(Or, Honest To God I’m Hetero)
By Brian Russell

Bar in Review – Frank N Hank’s
(Or, Where All The Hot Men Roam, Or Not)
By Kim Brewer

My Night In A Dream Scene
(Or, How My Ass Became A Playa)
By Rick Paulas

Music in Review – Scott Baio
(Or, A Momentary Glimpse Into Genius)
By Justin Shay

Ho, Ho, Ho! Happy Holidays From California!!
(Or, We’re All Wacky Hippy Liberals Out Here)
By Tits McGee

Janus Falls In Love
(Or, A Comic)
By Tara Rubano

The Super Superior Stalker
(Or, I Have No Friends So I Create Them)
By Andrea Martinez

Horror-Scopes
(Or, Britney Spears Believes, So Should You)
By Mistress Coitus

The Penis Files
(Or, A “Hard”-Hitting Investigation)
By Chester Copperpot

A Dirty Text Message
(Or, The Erotic Bar Has Officially Been Lowered)
By Cyrus Helf’s anonymous whore

The Almighty Fucktards
(Or, Who Wrote This Piece Of Shit?)
By Us

Which Fucktard Am I?
(Or, Which Face Should I Jizz On?)
By Us

Cover Art by Justin Shay

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[1]

As a rule, every goddamn, mother-fucking footnote that you will see, including this one, has been placed there by the editors. Not once was the author consulted on the appropriateness of any footnotes that follow. We feel no remorse.

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