Ho, Ho, Ho! Happy Holidays From California!!
Wow!! I can’t believe it has been a whole year since our last newsletter, boy oh boy have things changed!! There is so much to tell you all. But before I begin, I just want to say Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy Kwanza from my family to yours!!
After the holidays last year, some of you may know that I spent some time in prison. Yes, the feds finally caught up with me and my brothel was shut down. At first I was steaming pissed because I was making fat cash there, but I mostly felt bad for the girls who worked for me. Since we’ve been shut down, they have had to resort to turning tricks on the street for $5 bucks and a hit of crack. Hard times have fell on us all I suppose.
I was in prison for about 7 months and at first it was horrible. I got jumped as soon as the guards had their back turned and contracted herpes. I had no friends at first, but after a few months I became best pals with a fellow inmate named Martha. Yes, that Martha. She was very warm and friendly and taught me many crafts such as, crochet, knitting and basket weaving. She helped me turn my life around, except I still can’t seem to kick the hooker addiction. Oh well, maybe that’s this year’s resolution!
Anyhoo, now that I am out of the slammer I have a new job working at the DMV. I can’t stress how much I love it. Finally I have a way of channeling my anger and violent tendencies. I have been employee of the month 4 times in a row this year!!
Justin is doing super well after the accident, although he’s had to take a leave of absence from Waste Management. His arm has almost completely healed, though he still can’t hold his penis while urinating. Thank God for our daughter Diamond. She has been really helpful in Justin’s rehabilitation. Some of you may be puzzled by the term "daughter". Obviously she is not biologically ours – my uterus never did recover from that botched home abortion when I was fifteen – but we acquired Diamond when our neighbor Jimmy-Jo overdosed on methamphetamine. Diamond was alone with the body for five days before we noticed the smell. Rather then send her off to social services we decided to open up our home to her. We figure we needed a maid and instead of paying for one, we would just "employ" Diamond. We are financially challenged after all, with that damn Bush in the office no one can seem to catch a break!
Our cat Sammy is still the same old mischief-maker. Just a few days ago she was chasing after a mouse in our front yard when she stumbled upon a human hand!!! Turns out it belonged to my landlady Thelma. She had been missing for 3 months and we figured she high-tailed it to Arkansas to see her Internet lover, Sven. As luck would have it, Sven came to see her and didn’t like her cooking. We all had a good laugh at that one!
I hope that all of you find yourselves warm and happy this year. I know that we will thanks to the case of Wild Turkey sent to us by my in-laws! Just remember, when times are tough and you are feeling down, drive through the ghetto and laugh at all the homeless, it has worked for me for many, many years!!
Cheers!!!!
-Tits
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