How To Bang a Rock Star's Wife
By Cyrus Helf
This easy 5-step guide will have you banging more than your head with a hot Rock Star Wife in no time. [1]
Step 1. Find A Rock Star’s Wife
This no-brainer is probably the most important step in banging a rock star’s wife. I personally use the fluke chance approach. Lucky for me, I’m blessed with the type of karma where weird shit happens to me all the time (I’m also blessed with a donkey dick and a complete and total lack of standards, but that’s another article) [2] so I wasn’t at all surprised when approached by a random chick at a party who just happened to be some dude from a major rock group’s wife. If you don’t want to rely on pure luck though, I recommend frequenting places where Rock Star Wives hang out; Hollywood parties, clubs on the Sunset Strip, Rodeo Drive clothing stores that specialize in leather pants and zebra print headbands, etc.
You can usually identify a Rock Star Wife by three things:
a) expensive jewelry;
b) loud, brash drunkenness;
c) a raspy voice – most likely the result of years of screaming the lyrics to “Pour Some Sugar On Me”.
Step 2. Make Friends With Her Gay Friend
Every Rock Star Wife has a little gay sidekick. He’s the one that cracks the jokes, provides the cocaine, and babysits her drunk ass when she’s had a little too much Dom Perignon ’82 (a very good year for the Doms) [3]. Think of him as the doorman to her vagina. Do whatever humanly possible to get this troll to like you. Make him laugh, give him a joint, show him your freakishly large wang if you have to (gay people love this) [4]. Remember, if he puts in the good word for you, she’ll be taking you down to paradise city and rocking you like a hurricane in no time.Step 3. Don’t Stop Rocking
More often than not, you will catch a Rock Star Wife mid-bender. That is to say that she is probably on day 3 of a 6-day power binge. Try to keep the party going at all costs. A happy Rock Star Wife is 12 times more likely to bang your brains out than a moody one. None of the behavior she will be exhibiting will make any sense, but just go along with it. The typical Rock Star Wife loves to berate immigrant cab drivers, speak in demonic tongues, and sob uncontrollably whenever her Tony Montana mountain of cocaine gets low. When in doubt, just throw on some Ratt and turn it up to 11. That should get the party train rolling again. [5]
*Important Note*
Do not throw on some Ratt if the Rock Star Wife you are trying to bang is married to one of the guys in Ratt. Hearing her spouse’s music might remind her of how much more totally bitchin’ her husband is than you will ever be.
Step 4. Ditch Her Gay Friend
If you keep this little leprechaun around too long the Rock Star Wife will pass out from all the partying and you will have missed your window of Rock Star Wife banging opportunity.
Furthermore, at this point in the evening Buttercup is probably drunk and horny enough to think that he can somehow get into your pants (especially if earlier on you showed him your freakishly large wang). It only takes a brief instant for a wingman to turn into a cockblock, so nip this shit in the bud. I suggest telling him straight up that, although you’re flattered, he’s just wasting his time, you play for the wrong team, etc. If he’s really persistent, just lie and say that you’ll meet up with him later at a nasty West Hollywood sex club called Basic Plumbing. Pretty soon he’ll be up to his elbows in man juice and have so many fists in his ass he won’t even notice you didn’t show up.
Step 5. Bang Her As If Your Life Depended On It
After completing steps 1-4, chances are you’ve got the Rock Star Wife alone and she’s ready to get down. Now is the moment you’ve been waiting for, but you’re not out of the woods yet. You must engage in the sexual performance of a lifetime. This woman is a freak. She has to be in order to beat out millions of other horny rock and roll groupies and ascend to the coveted position of Rock Star Wife. She’s a sexual Zen master and you must rise to the occasion Daniel-san.
Be prepared to get Pat O’Brien on that ass, cause things are going to get dirty. If she wants to put her thumb up your butt while you’re strangling her as she’s peeing in your face, just go with it. Don’t even bat an eye when she asks you to rip off a live chicken’s head and smear blood and feathers all over her naked body while she masturbates. It’s all good, brother – cause you are banging a rock star’s wife! You are now the envy and high-five target of all your friends. [6] Plus, if you do her right you’ll be guaranteed some wicked repeat action, not to mention free backstage passes to Whitesnake.
My phone better ring for those tickets, too. Don’t forget who hooked you up!
Step 6.
Get Checked For HerpesAll right, I know it’s only supposed to be 5 easy steps but this extra step is for your own good. Before you plan that trip to Disney World, keep in mind that the girl you have just banged has regular sex with a guy who has literally fucked thousands of slutty headbanger chicks, Pamela Anderson, your sister, and quite possibly your own mother. [7] Even if you dipped your dick in a melted-down Goodyear tire before you pounded her Arby’s loose meat sandwich, it’s still a good idea to go and get tested. If the bitch did give you herpes, and odds are that she did, there’s nothing much you can do about it. Wear those scabby pus-filled cock-sores like a badge of honor. Yes, you have herpes. But you got them banging a rock star’s wife. And that’s something to be proud of.
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[1]
Hint: He means banging your penis in her vagina.back up
[2]
And one that would probably go far in explaining not only Cyrus’ numerous medications, groinal itches, illegitimate children and the open sores around his mouth, but also explain why all of his jeans need to be custom made with a large Elephant-Man style piece of cloth hanging from his zipper.back up
[3]
Another example: Dom DeLuise’s hilarious turn as Melvin P. Thorpe in The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.back up
[4]
Oddly, gay guys love cock.back up
[5]
Not to be confused with the Underground Railroad, which was a lot more important, and completely opposite. Strangely enough, the only thing they have in common is the fact that neither, in reality, contain locomotives of any kind.back up
[6]
After disinfecting your hand of all the chicken blood, urine, feathers and vaginal discharge, of course. On second thought, keep the discharge.back up
[7]
Other probabilities include the Las Vegas XFL Cheerleading team, Natasha Lyonne, your uncle’s second cousin (that slut) and three or four recently diseased corpses, since he’s in a hard rock band and all.back up
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