Cabrios And Straight Men Don't Mix
By Brian Russell
I’ve got some advice for all those straight men out there: don't drive a Cabrio. Recently my car went to shite. Both for financial reasons and a lack of necessity for transport, I have yet to get it fixed. In the meantime, while my sister is on a hiatus back east, I've been using her silver VW Cabrio for any of my motorized outings. It is common knowledge to guys across the country that if you encounter a Cabrio, it almost always will contain one or more blazing hot ladies (probably named Kristi, Jenny, or Cindy), especially if the top’s down. Although, there is a chance it may be operated by a male who hasn’t quite had the courage to come out, but wears sweater vests religiously and is always available for a good talk. But the odds are usually in our favor, so we're always excited to see one traveling in the lane next to us. As I have been suddenly thrust into the helm of the Cabrio, I realize that I am now the target of all of those curious male onlookers. Thusly, I’ve decided to list some important rules to follow for a straight man driving a Cabrio.
Rule #1: Don't Buy A Cabrio
This one is pretty obvious, but some people need it spelled out for them. Seriously, if you're a straight man who doesn't enjoy fashion, braiding hair, and redecorating, do not buy a Cabrio. There are plenty of other more manly looking convertibles out there for you to purchase. Just don't do it, man.
Rule #2: Don't Borrow A Cabrio
This one is sometimes hard to avoid. You don't want to be rude and turn down a generous offer. And sometimes you just can't because it's the only option you've got. For me, things just came together where my car wasn't running and my sister wasn't home, hence the need.[1] Oh, and if you're renting a car and, for some reason, they come back with this vehicle, send it back!
Rule #3: Always Drive At Night
The best way to avoid being seen in a Cabrio is to not be seen in a Cabrio. Daytime presents a huge problem since everyone can look into your vehicle and see your fruity ass driving around in the gay-mobile (not that there's anything wrong with that, well, yes there is, well, not the gay part, but the straight man looking gay part, er, um, let's move on). Nighttime driving at least allows a cloak of darkness for you to stealthily travel to your destination. [2]
Rule #4: Wear Manly Clothes
Make sure you are dressed for the occasion. There should be no bright colors, half-shirts, capris, flashy jewelry, cute outfits, etc. Wait, actually males, regardless of the vehicle, should never wear these. Going along with number 3: if you are required to drive in the light, other options for disguise are sunglasses, hoodies, sombreros - that hang down over your face - and burkas.
Rule #5: Don't Look At Anyone Else
Very, very important. I know you love to look at other drivers while you're waiting at a light, just to see if there’s a hot chick to gawk at or just someone interesting to laugh at, but do not look over under any circumstances. There are a couple of reasons for this: One is merely to avoid being identified. The other is to not look as if you’re checking out some guy in a Mustang from your silver Cabrio. I know; it could be a naked blonde bimbo porn star in a drop top, but it's not worth the risk. Besides, would you really want her seeing you in this state? There’s also the risk that you look like you want to race. And Cabrios don't race unless you're in the other car, trying to flirt with the hot girl in the Cabrio.
Rule #6: Don't Break Down In A Cabrio
This one is hard to control, but you must avoid it at all costs. Think about it: Do you want to be the guy on the side of the road waiting for help in his broken-down silver Cabrio? Unless the rainbow coalition is driving by, or Bruce's Happy Towing Service, you're screwed. If you do get stuck in this situation, just run. Abandon the car. It's not worth it.
Rule #7: Park Far Away
When you finally get to your destination, make sure you’re not near anyone else in the parking lot. Park far enough away so there's little chance anyone saw you stepping out of your Cabrio. If you notice anyone nearby, quickly run to the Ford truck so it looks like you just stepped down from the driver's seat. Checking the extended cab for a hammer or some manly tool will help in convincing the witness that it's yours, and you are indeed all man.
Rule #8: Don't Sing In the Car
This one's hard to resist because I do it all the time, but it must be followed. No one looks manly belting out a high note in their car, let alone in a Cabrio. Going along with this theme, it’s important to keep all noises from the car at a minimum. Certainly you don't want to be blaring “I Saw The Sign"
or some Prince CD. But even if it was “Welcome to the Jungle” or some Rage, you're not going to look cool. Give it up. Just put on NPR or some AM station and sit quiet. Also, don't leave your lights on or have your windows or doors open when starting the car. The warning sounds in a Cabrio say nothing but “I love show tunes.” And ixnay on the auto-locks or beeping your horn-ay. That beep is nothing but a call to all of the males in the vicinity to look and see how hot she is. [3]
Rule #9: Never Ride With A Male Passenger
There was the time I came to visit my sister, before myself and my non-homosexual male roommate had made our trek across the country. We were here for a week, checking out the area and enjoying the weather. Well, we only had one mode of transportation: The Cabrio. Trust me; this was one of the most uncomfortable moments friends can go through together. Driving through Hollywood, in the Cabrio, looking for Rodeo Drive; we really could not look any more homosexual, unless my sister had a rainbow sticker on her car or a license plate that said "UGoGirl". Remember this rule: Female passenger, or no passenger at all. At least with a female in there you could pass it off as being the boyfriend driving his girlfriend's car.
Rule #10: Don't go Shopping
Continuing my story of our visit many moons ago, we actually did go shopping in Santa Monica at one point; during the day, just Jeff and I. Lemme tell ya, coming back to your Cabrio to pop the trunk and put bags from the Gap, J-Crew and Urban Outfitters[4] must be done with great care. This is a true story: We actually planned our route back to the car from around the corner. I walked up first, put my bags away and started the car, so he could quickly run over, hop in, and we could take off. Extreme situations call for extreme solutions.
Rule #11: Never Put the Top Down
Finally, possibly the most important of all the rules: DO NOT put the top
down under any circumstances. Even if it's 100 degrees and the top is actually melting off, you pump the AC and leave the windows up. My sister, my friend & I took a road trip out to Arizona to visit family. All is good when you're driving with a female, or just riding with a female. No problem. But at one point, I took over driving; Jeff in the passenger seat, my sister in the back, top down, wind in our hair, iPod blaring Coldplay [5]. My sister decides that she didn't get enough sleep last night and lays down in the back. We drove for an hour or so before I said to him, “Do you realize that everyone driving by thinks it's just us two, in a Cabrio, singing songs with the top down?” We immediately woke up my sister and propped her up in the seat.
Conclusion
The only conclusion that you should reach from these rules is that Cabrios were meant to be fun for checking out the pilot and passengers, not for gallivanting about town with your buddies. If you are a straight man and you find yourself trapped behind the wheel of this vehicular representation of the male lisp, then you must either fill it with all the hot women you can convince to ride with you, or take this opportunity to “experiment.” The choice is yours. [6]
Rule #1: Don't Buy A Cabrio
This one is pretty obvious, but some people need it spelled out for them. Seriously, if you're a straight man who doesn't enjoy fashion, braiding hair, and redecorating, do not buy a Cabrio. There are plenty of other more manly looking convertibles out there for you to purchase. Just don't do it, man.
Rule #2: Don't Borrow A Cabrio
This one is sometimes hard to avoid. You don't want to be rude and turn down a generous offer. And sometimes you just can't because it's the only option you've got. For me, things just came together where my car wasn't running and my sister wasn't home, hence the need.[1] Oh, and if you're renting a car and, for some reason, they come back with this vehicle, send it back!
Rule #3: Always Drive At Night
The best way to avoid being seen in a Cabrio is to not be seen in a Cabrio. Daytime presents a huge problem since everyone can look into your vehicle and see your fruity ass driving around in the gay-mobile (not that there's anything wrong with that, well, yes there is, well, not the gay part, but the straight man looking gay part, er, um, let's move on). Nighttime driving at least allows a cloak of darkness for you to stealthily travel to your destination. [2]
Rule #4: Wear Manly Clothes
Make sure you are dressed for the occasion. There should be no bright colors, half-shirts, capris, flashy jewelry, cute outfits, etc. Wait, actually males, regardless of the vehicle, should never wear these. Going along with number 3: if you are required to drive in the light, other options for disguise are sunglasses, hoodies, sombreros - that hang down over your face - and burkas.
Rule #5: Don't Look At Anyone Else
Very, very important. I know you love to look at other drivers while you're waiting at a light, just to see if there’s a hot chick to gawk at or just someone interesting to laugh at, but do not look over under any circumstances. There are a couple of reasons for this: One is merely to avoid being identified. The other is to not look as if you’re checking out some guy in a Mustang from your silver Cabrio. I know; it could be a naked blonde bimbo porn star in a drop top, but it's not worth the risk. Besides, would you really want her seeing you in this state? There’s also the risk that you look like you want to race. And Cabrios don't race unless you're in the other car, trying to flirt with the hot girl in the Cabrio.
Rule #6: Don't Break Down In A Cabrio
This one is hard to control, but you must avoid it at all costs. Think about it: Do you want to be the guy on the side of the road waiting for help in his broken-down silver Cabrio? Unless the rainbow coalition is driving by, or Bruce's Happy Towing Service, you're screwed. If you do get stuck in this situation, just run. Abandon the car. It's not worth it.
Rule #7: Park Far Away
When you finally get to your destination, make sure you’re not near anyone else in the parking lot. Park far enough away so there's little chance anyone saw you stepping out of your Cabrio. If you notice anyone nearby, quickly run to the Ford truck so it looks like you just stepped down from the driver's seat. Checking the extended cab for a hammer or some manly tool will help in convincing the witness that it's yours, and you are indeed all man.
Rule #8: Don't Sing In the Car
This one's hard to resist because I do it all the time, but it must be followed. No one looks manly belting out a high note in their car, let alone in a Cabrio. Going along with this theme, it’s important to keep all noises from the car at a minimum. Certainly you don't want to be blaring “I Saw The Sign"
or some Prince CD. But even if it was “Welcome to the Jungle” or some Rage, you're not going to look cool. Give it up. Just put on NPR or some AM station and sit quiet. Also, don't leave your lights on or have your windows or doors open when starting the car. The warning sounds in a Cabrio say nothing but “I love show tunes.” And ixnay on the auto-locks or beeping your horn-ay. That beep is nothing but a call to all of the males in the vicinity to look and see how hot she is. [3]Rule #9: Never Ride With A Male Passenger
There was the time I came to visit my sister, before myself and my non-homosexual male roommate had made our trek across the country. We were here for a week, checking out the area and enjoying the weather. Well, we only had one mode of transportation: The Cabrio. Trust me; this was one of the most uncomfortable moments friends can go through together. Driving through Hollywood, in the Cabrio, looking for Rodeo Drive; we really could not look any more homosexual, unless my sister had a rainbow sticker on her car or a license plate that said "UGoGirl". Remember this rule: Female passenger, or no passenger at all. At least with a female in there you could pass it off as being the boyfriend driving his girlfriend's car.
Rule #10: Don't go Shopping
Continuing my story of our visit many moons ago, we actually did go shopping in Santa Monica at one point; during the day, just Jeff and I. Lemme tell ya, coming back to your Cabrio to pop the trunk and put bags from the Gap, J-Crew and Urban Outfitters[4] must be done with great care. This is a true story: We actually planned our route back to the car from around the corner. I walked up first, put my bags away and started the car, so he could quickly run over, hop in, and we could take off. Extreme situations call for extreme solutions.
Rule #11: Never Put the Top Down
Finally, possibly the most important of all the rules: DO NOT put the top
down under any circumstances. Even if it's 100 degrees and the top is actually melting off, you pump the AC and leave the windows up. My sister, my friend & I took a road trip out to Arizona to visit family. All is good when you're driving with a female, or just riding with a female. No problem. But at one point, I took over driving; Jeff in the passenger seat, my sister in the back, top down, wind in our hair, iPod blaring Coldplay [5]. My sister decides that she didn't get enough sleep last night and lays down in the back. We drove for an hour or so before I said to him, “Do you realize that everyone driving by thinks it's just us two, in a Cabrio, singing songs with the top down?” We immediately woke up my sister and propped her up in the seat.
Conclusion
The only conclusion that you should reach from these rules is that Cabrios were meant to be fun for checking out the pilot and passengers, not for gallivanting about town with your buddies. If you are a straight man and you find yourself trapped behind the wheel of this vehicular representation of the male lisp, then you must either fill it with all the hot women you can convince to ride with you, or take this opportunity to “experiment.” The choice is yours. [6]
(The new VW Beetles are known fag-cars but to combine that with the Cabrio design? That’s a two-for right there.)
Any Car That's Pink
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[1]
A blatant lie. Brian mutilated his own car as an excuse to go cruising in the Cock Mobile.back up
[2]
And to hide the adolescent Asian boy sucking your dick.back up
[3]
Most people don’t know this, but the warning beeps issued from the Cabrio is Morse Code for “I need a veiny throbber in my bunghole promptly.” Don’t believe me? Ask the nearest blind man. They all know Morse Code and like veiny throbbers in their bungholes.back up
[4]
Can somebody say East Coast?back up
[5]
Mr. Paltrow is a fag, hence the appropriateness of Coldplay playing in a Cabrio.back up
[6]
This whole article is Brian’s way of justifying his “experimentation” that is currently ongoing. Case in point: His new girlfriend, Sapphire, clearly has a penis and testicles.back up
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