How To Make Your Own Miscarriage
By Terese
However, as you may have heard, this could all be changing. Satan has recently granted George W. Bush with not one, but two Supreme Court vacancies, both of which will be filled with conservative, pro-life justices.[2] To make matters worse, there is a very real possibility that he could soon face a third vacancy. Justice Kennedy, famous for switching teams after Reagan appointed him in 1988, is very old and decrepit. Ew. Also, those of us “in the know” like myself, have heard rumblings that there is a right-wing conspiracy to have him assassinated. But you didn’t hear that from me.
Regardless of the future of abortion in your state, the real question is – why should you bother? I mean, it’s expensive enough for a man to get laid in the first place, why should he have to fork over $300-$500 more for the abortion? Is that really fair? Is that really just? No. And that’s why I’m here, just in time, to offer you some alternatives.
Miscarriages have often been termed “nature’s cure.” Anywhere from 30-40% of all pregnancies will end in miscarriage, usually before the first missed period. However, some of us are not that lucky. Call it bad karma, call it bad genes, call it whatever you want – sometimes man has to step in and take control. Trust me: this is all perfectly legal in that back-alley-if-no-one-sees-it-and-no-one-reports-it-then-it-didn’t-really-happen kind of way.[3]
Option A: Miscarriage by Horrendous Lifestyle Choices
This option is for those passive-aggressive, anti-violence types. It is also most appropriate for all you skanky whores who like to fuck men and run, without even so much as getting a telephone number or a last name. Some women like to go at it alone, without the support and loving guidance of a man. That’s fine. Miscarriage can be a solo game.
Right off the bat, you’re going to have to take up smoking the moment you get the positive test results. I’m not talking cigarettes, I’m talking crack. It’s going to cost you just as much to achieve the desired result with cigarettes, so why not go for the big guns, right?[4]
You will also need to take up drinking. Shoot for a pint of hard liquor a day, aiming to reach at least a quart by the week’s end. On Saturday night, you will need to reach into your little black book and call up 10-15 of your closest one-night stands. Black men are preferred for the superior reach of their penises. After ingesting at least a quart of the hard liquor of your choice, you will engage in a gangbang. You want to shove as many large penises up there as you can manage. Go for three at a time. Anal is okay too, as the massive infection caused by double dipping can only benefit you. Condoms are not necessary, as STD’s are another leading cause of miscarriage. You’ll need to go longer than the traditional gangbang. I’m talking 8-10 hours, at least. If you throw up mid-bang, you’ll need to have a man nearby to funnel more booze down your system. Breaks are only appropriate if it’s for smoking crack.
Cost: About $200 for booze and crack, depending on your neighborhood.
Bonus: You will learn an important lesson about the power of teamwork and the value of men, you fucking whore.
Option B: Miscarriage by a Horrendous, But Not Life-Ending, Beating
This is the easiest option, best carried out by a loving boyfriend. You may have heard the jokes about throwing a woman down a flight of stairs; I think that’s overkill. You needn’t break your neck with this shit. It’s just a miscarriage we’re talking about here. Christ.
You may have heard suggestions to go with a lead pipe, but seriously, who has one of those lying around?[5] Just go with a metal baseball bat. You can borrow one from a trusted friend or family member. You want to aim for the woman’s stomach and lower groin area. It’s really that simple. If there isn’t profuse bleeding by day two, repeat. If there isn’t bleeding by day four, repeat again, ad nauseam. Painkillers and alcohol would be helpful, but not necessary.
Cost: Free.
Bonus: Couples time and a strengthened bond and commitment from both partners. A renewed interest in BDSM-related fun, post-miscarriage. Vomiting induces weight loss.
Option C: Community Outreach
Another leading cause of miscarriage is chromosomal abnormalities. In order to carry out this option, you’re going to have get involved. I’m talking about getting sexually involved with retards and animals[6]; both prized for the abnormal chromosomes swimming around in their testes. The objective here is to get your uterus confused enough to abort. I suggest you volunteer at a local Down Syndrome learning center. Diseased, horny animals are easily obtained from the local humane society. Like black men, dogs and horses are preferred for their superior genitals.Cost: Free, with potential for future earnings by videotaping your sexual encounters and selling them on the Internet.[7]
Bonus: You will most likely be stoned by your community for egregiously violating the standards of common decency. This will help to induce miscarriage.
Option D: The Nuclear Option
The method here requires a cyanide douche. Douche should be composed of 2-parts saline solution, 1-part sodium cyanide solution. Any commercially prepared douche kit, such as Summer’s Eve, will work fine as a delivery mechanism. This option will work in just about every case, unless a man of Siberian origin has impregnated you. In this instance, you may be required to douche up to three times to achieve desired result.
Cost: Legally, cyanide solution is hard to come by. Liquid cyanide sells for about $100, but the street value is much higher. I suggest getting cozy with the local chemist. Consider a job in the medical field.
Bonus: You’ll probably die. I haven’t researched this thoroughly enough. But a near death experience will land you a spot in the Cyanide Survivor’s Hall of Fame and innumerable bragging rights. I, for one, will be extremely fucking impressed. Way to go!
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[1]
Not if motherfucking GW can help it.back up
[2]
Was I right or was I right?back up
[3]
Speaking from personal experience, these methods have saved Terese thousands of dollars that she can now spend on crack, which is strictly for pleasure these days.back up
[4]
If you already subscribe to this lifestyle, kudos my friend! Kudos! It just makes this whole “unpleasantness” a lot easier to get rid of.back up
[5]
If you are into beating homeless people, your kids, your dog or the mail man, you just might.back up
[6]
Been there, done that. Still didn’t do shit. I have three kids who are Mensa members and their father was a retarded donkey. Personally, I do not endorse this method.back up
[7]
She is speaking from personal experience here. Her father is the one who died from getting ass-fucked by a horse. Go ahead. Google it. We’ll wait.back up
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