The Penis Files
By Chester Copperpot
Sex is important to some people. It is to me. It should be to everyone. People who settle for bad sex are the kind of people who always seem to have a bad day at work. Think about it: You can tell just by looking at someone’s body and demeanor if they’re getting laid right. [3] Meanwhile, I’m turning into a fucking hunchback with the temper of a 90-year-old woman whose cervix is rotting in her womb.
I was with a black man for 11 years. Call me spoiled, but that shit was good. Not good as in
raunchy – yeah, black men do it better – but good as in “the best sex I’ve ever had with someone I loved, who loved me and wanted to please me, and in return all I wanted to do was please him back”. Well, that was then. This is now. We are no longer together for reasons that had nothing to do with sex. Unlike some people I will not stay in a relationship just because sex is good while everything else is falling apart. That’s stupid. [4]
In the past two years since my separation I’ve sampled a number of bad cocks. Why? Because I only had one kind of cock before and wanted to see what the rest of the Cock World was like. Especially because I was the kind of girl who thought all balls were hairless, since the only pair I’d ever had were bald, smooth balls that I didn’t mind licking all the time. Now that all these months have passed, I’m starting to wonder if that sex might be the only good sex I’ll ever have. But I’m not giving up hope. Though the way this shit’s going, Lord save me!
When I was a kid, I never imagined how much cock would mean to me. [5] In reality, it’s become a silent obsession. The search for the one nice perfect cock, with enough girth, enough length, and enough stamina to satisfy me, and (super important) attached to a body that I’m not grossed out by, and to a mind that’s fertile with imagination and intelligence with a sense of humor that makes me laugh when I’m sad.
Instead, I’ve found the following:
1) Skinny cocks on guys who think they’re actually doing something for/to me, but instead it feels like a freaking pencil trying to reach a penny that’s been stuck under a refrigerator. [6] Get a clue! If you got pencil dicks learn how to use your hands, your tongues, your mouths. For the love of Christ!
2) Big, girthy cocks on guys that are One Minute Men. What the fuck? This type of cock saddens me more than anything! Why in the hell don’t you know how to please a woman? Is it nerves? Can I give you a chill pill so you can relax and enjoy the actual act of inserting your nice cock into a wet pussy? Loser!
3) Skinny limp cocks that feel like a boneless finger up in my cooch. Jesus, save me from this torment again! This is really an oddity. A phenomenon, if you will. [7] Especially because said limp puny member was attached to a man who thought we “fit well”. Delusions of grandeur! Confident men with lame dicks are puzzling to me. If said person had low self-esteem, then sure, I could see why. But to be a curiously extra-confident individual with a dick that feels like a piece of dough that’s been left out in the sun too long and it’s melting … hmmm … weird.
4) Big girthy cock on a lame ass person who can only serve one purpose: a one night stand. Stupid nice cocks are a NO. This is like the equivalent of a chick who’s hot and whose pussy is nice and wet and you can fuck her forever, but don’t let her open her mouth ‘cause she makes you want to take the hammer out and pound her to death. Stupidity is not sexy. Next.
5) Average cock that makes me cum on someone’s body that jerks like they’re having an epileptic attack. Strange as fuck. [8] That’s all I’ll say. People who don’t know how to sensually move during sex are pathetic entities swimming in their own body insecurities. These must be the same people that look spastic on the dance floor. [9]
6) Cock that might result in orgasm, attached to someone whose feet smell like rotten cheese, has bad teeth and slobbers all over when kissing. Gross as fuck. The only redeeming thing is the actual act of getting off, but the nauseating feeling afterwards is not worth a damn. This kind of sex makes women want to crawl under a rock and never see the light of day, join a monastery and become nuns, shave their heads and pass as men, or just plain die.
7) Men who talk during sex and aren’t even well endowed and keep saying shit like, “Oh, do you feel that? Do you like it? Oh, your pussy is so good! I love the way it fits into you. [10] I’m going to ram you with my big cock!” Shut the fuck up, moron! First of all, there’s nothing I hate more than a talker in bed. Second, if the talk is lame, I feel like my insides are shriveling up into a desert and sex becomes a fucking nightmare. Third, I find it cheesy, stupid and annoying as fuck. This kind of circumstance makes me want to start fucking corpses. [11]
8) Funny shaped penises that angle to one side or the other. They never hit the spot. All I got to say is I might as well be fucking a banana or a gerbil. I hate angles. I never even liked plane geometry that much anyway. It always bored me.
9) Limp dicks. Yes! Why the fuck don’t you stash that shit away in a box and lock it up and let it drop until it hits the bottom of the ocean, so it never sees the light of day, eh? Men with lame limp dicks regardless of size are just so fucking disgustingly pointless and such a waste of time for all womanhood. Spare a sista’ the pain and the embarrassment of telling you that your cock is not even a cock but a midget wet wrinkled seal who should go back to the circus zoo!
10) Cocks attached to moaners, heavy breathers, or screamers. For the love of God, save the drama for Oprah. All I want is to get fucked, not hear a stupid bitch moan like their insides are being wrenched. If you moan louder than me, you’re out. I hate all that stupid noise during sex. Even when I watch a porno I turn the volume down. [12] Why should anyone around me get away with sounding like a stupid scandalous porn star, especially if you’re ugly? Makes me want to slap that shit out of someone. [13] There must be a cock heaven somewhere. I’m wearing my pussy halo everyday, so I can go to it.
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Sex is important to some people. It is to me. It should be to everyone. People who settle for bad sex are the kind of people who always seem to have a bad day at work. Think about it: You can tell just by looking at someone’s body and demeanor if they’re getting laid right. [3] Meanwhile, I’m turning into a fucking hunchback with the temper of a 90-year-old woman whose cervix is rotting in her womb.
I was with a black man for 11 years. Call me spoiled, but that shit was good. Not good as in
raunchy – yeah, black men do it better – but good as in “the best sex I’ve ever had with someone I loved, who loved me and wanted to please me, and in return all I wanted to do was please him back”. Well, that was then. This is now. We are no longer together for reasons that had nothing to do with sex. Unlike some people I will not stay in a relationship just because sex is good while everything else is falling apart. That’s stupid. [4]In the past two years since my separation I’ve sampled a number of bad cocks. Why? Because I only had one kind of cock before and wanted to see what the rest of the Cock World was like. Especially because I was the kind of girl who thought all balls were hairless, since the only pair I’d ever had were bald, smooth balls that I didn’t mind licking all the time. Now that all these months have passed, I’m starting to wonder if that sex might be the only good sex I’ll ever have. But I’m not giving up hope. Though the way this shit’s going, Lord save me!
When I was a kid, I never imagined how much cock would mean to me. [5] In reality, it’s become a silent obsession. The search for the one nice perfect cock, with enough girth, enough length, and enough stamina to satisfy me, and (super important) attached to a body that I’m not grossed out by, and to a mind that’s fertile with imagination and intelligence with a sense of humor that makes me laugh when I’m sad.
Instead, I’ve found the following:
1) Skinny cocks on guys who think they’re actually doing something for/to me, but instead it feels like a freaking pencil trying to reach a penny that’s been stuck under a refrigerator. [6] Get a clue! If you got pencil dicks learn how to use your hands, your tongues, your mouths. For the love of Christ!
2) Big, girthy cocks on guys that are One Minute Men. What the fuck? This type of cock saddens me more than anything! Why in the hell don’t you know how to please a woman? Is it nerves? Can I give you a chill pill so you can relax and enjoy the actual act of inserting your nice cock into a wet pussy? Loser!
3) Skinny limp cocks that feel like a boneless finger up in my cooch. Jesus, save me from this torment again! This is really an oddity. A phenomenon, if you will. [7] Especially because said limp puny member was attached to a man who thought we “fit well”. Delusions of grandeur! Confident men with lame dicks are puzzling to me. If said person had low self-esteem, then sure, I could see why. But to be a curiously extra-confident individual with a dick that feels like a piece of dough that’s been left out in the sun too long and it’s melting … hmmm … weird.
4) Big girthy cock on a lame ass person who can only serve one purpose: a one night stand. Stupid nice cocks are a NO. This is like the equivalent of a chick who’s hot and whose pussy is nice and wet and you can fuck her forever, but don’t let her open her mouth ‘cause she makes you want to take the hammer out and pound her to death. Stupidity is not sexy. Next.5) Average cock that makes me cum on someone’s body that jerks like they’re having an epileptic attack. Strange as fuck. [8] That’s all I’ll say. People who don’t know how to sensually move during sex are pathetic entities swimming in their own body insecurities. These must be the same people that look spastic on the dance floor. [9]
6) Cock that might result in orgasm, attached to someone whose feet smell like rotten cheese, has bad teeth and slobbers all over when kissing. Gross as fuck. The only redeeming thing is the actual act of getting off, but the nauseating feeling afterwards is not worth a damn. This kind of sex makes women want to crawl under a rock and never see the light of day, join a monastery and become nuns, shave their heads and pass as men, or just plain die.
7) Men who talk during sex and aren’t even well endowed and keep saying shit like, “Oh, do you feel that? Do you like it? Oh, your pussy is so good! I love the way it fits into you. [10] I’m going to ram you with my big cock!” Shut the fuck up, moron! First of all, there’s nothing I hate more than a talker in bed. Second, if the talk is lame, I feel like my insides are shriveling up into a desert and sex becomes a fucking nightmare. Third, I find it cheesy, stupid and annoying as fuck. This kind of circumstance makes me want to start fucking corpses. [11]
8) Funny shaped penises that angle to one side or the other. They never hit the spot. All I got to say is I might as well be fucking a banana or a gerbil. I hate angles. I never even liked plane geometry that much anyway. It always bored me.
9) Limp dicks. Yes! Why the fuck don’t you stash that shit away in a box and lock it up and let it drop until it hits the bottom of the ocean, so it never sees the light of day, eh? Men with lame limp dicks regardless of size are just so fucking disgustingly pointless and such a waste of time for all womanhood. Spare a sista’ the pain and the embarrassment of telling you that your cock is not even a cock but a midget wet wrinkled seal who should go back to the circus zoo!
10) Cocks attached to moaners, heavy breathers, or screamers. For the love of God, save the drama for Oprah. All I want is to get fucked, not hear a stupid bitch moan like their insides are being wrenched. If you moan louder than me, you’re out. I hate all that stupid noise during sex. Even when I watch a porno I turn the volume down. [12] Why should anyone around me get away with sounding like a stupid scandalous porn star, especially if you’re ugly? Makes me want to slap that shit out of someone. [13] There must be a cock heaven somewhere. I’m wearing my pussy halo everyday, so I can go to it.
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[1]
And while size also matters when it comes to females, it matters less, seeing as they have a back-up hole.back up
[2]
Fib #1back up
[3]
One sign: The offering of high-fives increasing exponentially.back up
[4]
But it makes for great entertainment. Always remember: it’s not about your feelings, it’s about making those around you laugh.back up
[5]
Unlike thousands of altar boys.back up
[6]
Clue #45 that Marissa has a vagina that could suffocate a small child. Those pencil-dicks should be lucky their entire body wasn’t sucked into the Cervixial Vortex.back up
[7]
Like the Asian homeless.back up
[8]
For the comic value alone, a World’s Funniest Orgasms compilation demands to be produced.back up
[9]
Read: white people.back up
[10]
As the editor, I’m calling shenanigans on this sentence. I mean, “I love the way it fits into you”? If anyone can say this with a straight face during sex, I’ll give them three nickels.back up
[11]
Thank God for rigor mortis.back up
[12]
Five-to-seventeen times a day. For educational purposes, of course.back up
[13]
Unfortunately, literally.back up
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